Roc and a Hard Place Read online

  But it was clear that Princess Ida did not yet know what this trial was all about. Metria’s main vice had always been her curiosity, and now it was becoming almost painful. Why should there be such an enormous effort because of one big bird who seemed never to have done anyone any harm? The mystery intensified with every step Metria took.

  4

  THRENODY

  Metria returned home to stoke Veleno up for a few more hours, then assessed the remaining tokens. Most of the names seemed straightforward, and she thought there shouldn’t be any problem locating them. But one name she dreaded, because that person was bound to be uncooperative. What would happen if she managed to serve every summons but one? Would the trial be delayed, and would Metria then fail in her service and be denied what she most desired? That would perhaps be fitting, but she sincerely did not want it to happen.

  If she was going to fail, this was the name that would fail her. So the sensible thing to do was to tackle it next. Then if it went wrong, she wouldn’t have to bother with the other names. Unless she got a release from the Simurgh. This was, after all, just one of the Jurors, and there were more than a dozen of them; some would be eliminated at the trial itself. But she rather thought that she had better get all the names, if she possibly could.

  So she lifted the token for Threnody, the half demoness wife of Jordan the Barbarian. It tugged, and she floated where it led.

  Deep in the jungle near the slowly diminishing Region of Madness, she caught up to Jordan and Threnody. They were eating a freshly picked pot pie. It was, of course, shaped like a pot, and was rich in iron.

  Metria turned invisible and floated quietly up to them, knowing that a certain amount of discretion was in order. But it didn’t work. Threnody lifted her nose and started sniffing. She was a lovely black-haired black-eyed dusky sultry beauty of comely aspect and statuesque proportion; in fact, she looked good, considering her age.

  “Fee fi fo fum,” the luscious damsel said darkly. “I smell the bod of someone’s mum.” She glared.

  ‘You never could fool her, you know,’ Mentia remarked for no particular reason.

  Metria sighed and turned visible. “I really wish you would let bygones be bygones, Thren.”

  “Corpulent chance, Met! Go away.”

  “You know I’ve changed recently.”

  “Well, change into nonexistence, Demoness.”

  Jordan Barbarian continued eating, seemingly not interested in the dialogue. He was a rough-hewn primitively handsome man of middling age who took justified pride in his ignorance of civilized ways, but he had learned not to poke his nose into his wife’s business, lest she cut it off. However, his crude male eye did explore the crevice of Metria’s decolletage and the projection of her posterior, as was expected according to the Barbarian Code.

  It was clear that this was going to be difficult, “I have something to give you.”

  “You have already given me more than enough,” Threnody said, showing her teeth in unfeigned fury. “Now give me what I most crave: your total absence.”

  “Right after I give you this handsome engraved disk.” She held it up.

  “That looks like black beryl,” Threnody snapped. “That’s a summons from the Simurgh.”

  “Yes. For you. To be a Juror at a trial.”

  The woman brightened momentarily. “Are they finally trying you for treason against Xanth?”

  “No, this is for Roxanne Roc.”

  “Then I’m not interested.” Threnody faced away.

  Metria had been afraid of this. The woman simply refused to take anything from her, or to give her anything other than anger. So she tried with Woe Betide.

  The winsome little girl appeared. “Please, your delightfulness, if you will only accept this token, I will go away forever minus a few minutes.” A big tear formed.

  Jordan glanced at the darling tot. His eyeball did not sweat in the same manner as it had for Metria’s tight-fitting adult configuration, but he had a certain interest in children, because their simple minds were parallel to his own.

  “Don’t tease me with that old act, you rotten brat!” Threnody gritted, impressed not half a whit. “I’ll not accept anything from any of your deceitful variations, because I know it’s the same soulless bitch of a demoness inside. Now, are you going to get far away from me, or do I have to start singing?”

  Worse yet. Threnody’s songs were always so horribly sad that Metria couldn’t stand to hear them, and had to flee. “No, please don’t do that!” Woe Betide cried, another big tear welling out. “You must take this token!”

  Threnody started singing. Woe Betide clapped her little hands over her little ears, but the excruciatingly sad melody insinuated itself past them and into her head. She couldn’t stand it. She lost cohesion, and reverted to Metria—who still couldn’t stand it. It was Threnody’s ultimate weapon against her, always effective.

  She retreated until the sound became faint. Then she formed heavy earmuffs to dull down the sound so that the dirge was only faintly agonizing. Now she could stand it—but she wasn’t close enough to plead with Threnody about the summons.

  Still, she couldn’t quit, because that could mess up her whole mission. It was just barely maybe possible that Threnody was suffering the merest slightest tiniest little suggestion of a hint of softening, and might on some impossibly far-fetched chance change her mind eventually. So Metria remained where she was, in sight of the dusky woman and the barbarian.

  But Threnody was having less than none of it. She consulted inaudibly with Jordan; then the two of them walked away. It was clear that they would not gladly remain in Metria’s sight.

  So Metria floated after them. When she got too close, Threnody resumed her song of lamentation and drove her away again. So it was an impasse: Metria could not approach Threnody, or make her accept the summons token, but neither could Threnody make Metria leave her entirely alone.

  In fact, just to make it interesting, Metria formed a diaphanous gown and teased the barbarian with it; that much mischief she could do from this distance. Naturally Threnody was not unduly keen on having her man entertained for too long in this manner, but unless she cut out his eyeballs they could not be prevented from straying. This was the nature of the features of barbarian men; it was involuntary.

  Threnody abruptly turned and walked in a new direction. Metria realized that she was heading directly into the nearby Region of Madness. That was an extremely chancy thing to do, as Metria well knew. Obviously Threnody was prepared to risk it, in the hope that Metria would not follow.

  ‘She’s got a suiprise coming,’ Mentia remarked.

  Indeed she did! For though the madness caused strange things to happen, and messed up the minds of ordinary folk until they became acclimated, it made Mentia sane. Because Mentia’s normal state was slightly crazy, so her abnormal state was opposite. Mentia could handle the Region of Madness.

  The fringe of madness came into view. It was a mere shimmer of unreality, suggesting the dissolution beyond. Most folk avoided it with horror, but Threnody was plunging on in, half dragging Jordan along. Metria floated in their wake, maintaining the compromise distance between them. She wanted to keep them in sight, because she wasn’t sure the token would accurately track Threnody within the madness. It was impossible to be sure what would happen there.

  Then for a moment they paused. There was a man, looking bewildered. His features were indistinct, as if he wasn’t quite sure himself who he was or what he was doing here. He seemed to appeal to Threnody for assistance or advice, but she brushed him off and plunged on, still towing Jordan.

  Soon Metria caught up to that place. “Hello!” the man cried. “Can you help me? I’m lost.”

  ‘Keep on moving, or you’ll lose them,’ Mentia advised.

  But Metria’s half conscience wouldn’t allow it. She formed herself into a nonprovocatively garbed woman. “You don’t want to be in this region,” she said. “You’re heading into madness.”

&nbs
p; “I surely am!” he agreed. “Where am I?”

  “Pretty much dead center of southern Xanth. Now if you go back that way, you’ll get into ordinary territory and should be all right.” She pointed away from the madness.

  “Xanth? I’m in Xanth?” He seemed amazed.

  “Where else? Now, I must be on my way.” For Threnody and Jordan were almost out of sight, their images fuzzed by the lunacy of the deepening madness.

  “But I can’t be there!” he cried. “It’s not possible.”

  “Well, you’ll have to settle that for yourself,” Metria said, moving on.

  “No, you don’t understand,” he said, following her. “I—I’m from—from Mundania.”

  “That’s your misfortune.” She forged on, watching the pair ahead.

  “But this makes no sense,” he said, pacing her. “Xanth isn’t real. It’s a story.”

  “Suit yourself. But if you don’t reverse in a hurry, you’re going to be out of Xanth proper and into madness, and I don’t think you’ll like it.”

  He shook his head. “I must indeed be mad. Or maybe this is all a bad dream. The last thing I remember is—” He shook his head. “Then I was floundering around here.” He peered at her more closely. “If I may ask—who are you?”

  ‘I think I know what’s happened,’ Mentia said. ‘I’ll take over now, before the madness drives you crazy.’ Then, assuming the body, she spoke to the man. “I am D. Mentia.”

  “Dementia?”

  “Close enough.”

  “I am Richard Siler.”

  “Richard? I know a Richard from Mundania.”

  “They call me Billy Jack.”

  Mentia was on the verge of her sanity as she entered the madness, so was able to make sense of this. “A nickname.”

  “Yes.”

  “I think I had better take you to the other Richard. He understands about Mundane visits.”

  “Thank you.”

  “But be prepared: This is about to get strange.”

  “Stranger than it already is? I doubt it.”

  “Suit yourself.”

  They came to a chair. There was a rock in it. “What’s that?” Billy Jack asked.

  “Obviously a rock in chair. Leave it alone.”

  But he was already removing the rock, out of some foolish sense of the nature of chairs. Immediately the chair tilted forward, causing him to stumble over it, and he landed sitting in it. The chair tilted back so swiftly that he flew out of it to land in something else. Meanwhile the chair tilted violently forward again, catching Mentia so that she, too, fell into it, and was similarly hurled back. She found herself in an invisible swing, swinging wildly back and forth. She felt wonderful as it swung high, and awful as it swung low.

  “What is this?” Billy Jack cried as he swung past her. “I feel great—terrible—great—terrible—”

  “It’s a mood swing,” Mentia said, figuring it out. “I told you not to mess with that rock in chair! Now it has rocked us right into trouble.”

  However, she was a demoness, so didn’t need to submit to the antics of warped furniture. She dissolved into smoke and floated out of the swing. She crossed to Billy Jack, caught on to his swing, and held it still so that he could jump out.

  “You were right,” he gasped. “It is getting stranger.”

  “Just stay close to me and don’t touch anything.” The forms of Threnody and Jordan were dimly visible ahead; they had probably been slowed by something similar.

  They ducked past the mood swings and hurried on. Suddenly they almost collided with a stout pillar. It seemed ordinary except for the whiskers.

  Before they could pass by it, the pillar transformed into a big cat. “Growr!” it growled, and pounced.

  Mentia became a splat of cold water. The cat struck the water, screeched, and turned right back into the pillar.

  “What—” Billy Jack asked.

  “Cat or pillar, obviously. Get out of here before it changes back.”

  “This is really weird!”

  “No it isn’t. We’re only partway into the madness; these are fringe effects. Let’s hope we can avoid the really weird things.”

  Suddenly something swept past them. It was like a metal ball, with arms, legs, mouth, and eyes sprouting from its surface. “Mine!” it cried, picking up the pillar.

  The pillar changed back into the cat, screeching. But the ball sprouted more arms and caught on to all its extremities. It threw the cat into a pit. “Mine! Mine!” it cried.

  Mentia turned cloudy and floated over the pit. It was half-filled with precious things ranging from jewels to golden coins. It was a treasure pit.

  Mentia formed a mouth in her underside. “But what do you want with a cat?” she asked.

  “It has two cat’s-eye gems!” the ball replied, grabbing for the cat’s eyes. It changed hastily back into the pillar.

  “What is this?” Billy Jack asked, stepping up to the edge of the pit.

  “Don’t get so close!” Mentia cried.

  She was too late. The edge gave way, and the man fell into the pit. His feet came down on top of the metal ball.

  Then there was an explosion. Gems, coins, and creatures were hurled out of the pit. Mentia jetted across to intercept Billy Jack in midflight, became a huge soft pillow, and cushioned his crash landing.

  “What was that?” he asked dazedly as everything settled.

  She resumed her normal form as he got off her. “Obviously a mine. Didn’t you hear it yelling, ‘Mine! Mine!’ as it collected things? But mines are very touchy, and you made it detonate. Now, stay out of trouble until I get you where I’m taking you!”

  “I’ll try,” Billy Jack said contritely.

  They went on. Now they came to a glade with a single acorn tree in it. The tree looked healthy, but seemed to have suffered recently. “That’s Desiree’s tree!” Mentia said. “Now I know we’re on course.”

  “She owns the tree?” Billy Jack asked.

  “Not exactly. She’s the nymph of the tree. Hiatus should be close by.” For she had been here before. She raised her voice. “Desiree!”

  A rather pretty nymph appeared by the tree. “Who calls me?”

  “The Demoness Mentia, halfway sane. I was here last year.”

  “Why, so you were,” Desiree said, remembering. “With the sorceress and the gargoyle and the child. You brought me Hiatus.”

  “Yes. I’m just passing by this time.” She glanced at the man. “This is Billy Jack, who I’m taking to see Richard White.” Then, to Billy: “This is Desiree Dryad. If her tree suffers, she suffers.”

  “So nice to meet you,” Billy Jack said politely, evidently somewhat bemused by it all.

  “Did you see a man and a woman pass by here shortly ago?” Mentia asked.

  “Yes. They had a quarrel with a timber wolf, but managed to get away.” She gestured toward a nearby tree that looked a bit bedraggled. “It’s normally very shy, and will raise a human cub if it finds one orphaned, but with the madness it sometimes gets violent. So when the barbarian made a barbaric remark—”

  “I understand,” Mentia said. “I see your tree is looking better—and so are you.”

  “Yes, thanks to Hiatus,” she agreed. “He’s off gathering croakusses at the moment.”

  “Crocuses?” Billy Jack asked.

  “Well, he likes to eat frog’s legs,” Desiree said disapprovingly. “The croaks do cuss when he takes them.”

  “We must move on,” Mentia said, anxious about losing Threnody.

  “Do you think the madness will pass soon?”

  “This is close to the border now,” Mentia said. “It’s still slowly contracting. Maybe in another year.”

  “What a relief!”

  They went on, and this time managed to reach the White glade without too much further adventure. Mentia saw Threnody just leaving it, going deeper into the madness. But she couldn’t pursue Threnody right at the moment.

  Clusters of colored mushrooms sprou
ted around the yard. Beside each cluster was a small garden of fancy iris flowers. Mentia nodded. She knew that the mushrooms had sprouted from jars of odd Mundane paper money Richard had buried around the yard, and that the irises grew wherever the woman Janet Hines went. If the two ever separated, so would the mushrooms and irises.

  She knocked on the door of the neat cottage. A man answered. “Hello, Richard. Remember me? I’m D. Mentia, the temporarily sane demoness. I have brought another Richard fresh from Mundania who I think could use your help.”

  A woman appeared behind Richard. “Oh, yes, of course we’ll help him,” she said. “We understand so well.”

  Mentia turned to Billy Jack. “These folk will help you all you need,” she said. “I have to move on now, but you can trust them. They’ll get you settled.”

  “But I’m not staying here!” Billy Jack protested. “I need to find my way home. My wife, my daughter—”

  Richard White stepped out and took his arm. “Come inside,” he said. “This is my wife Janet. I’m afraid we have unsettling news for you.”

  Mentia, freed of the temporary obligation her better half’s conscience had taken on, moved rapidly after Threnody. She knew what had happened to Billy Jack, but hadn’t wanted to tell him. He would not be returning to Mundania. Richard and Janet had been through it already, so would be able to guide him past the madness to his new life.

  She caught up to Threnody and Jordan, who had paused in a glade that seemed clear of mad effects. Obviously they were not eager to plunge into more madness, especially since they hadn’t succeeded in losing Mentia by coming here.

  She approached. “I know the madness better than you do,” she said. “I’m Mentia, Metria’s worser half. I’m normally a little crazy, but I’m sane here. I suggest to you that you would be best advised to cease this futile flight and take the summons token.”

  “No!” Threnody cried.

  “I think you are unduly hung up on what Metria did four hundred and thirty-eight years ago. You would be better off to forget it, instead of holding an impossible grudge.”

  “No!”

  “Did it ever occur to you that she has a side too?”