Zombie Lover Read online

  “You do not understand our natures?”

  “Yes. I think that’s what I don’t understand.”

  “This is the cave of Com Passion, a machine who can change reality in her demesnes.”

  “Oh, I hope she’s not mean!” Breanna blurted. Then she tried to take it back. “I mean—”

  The screen appeared. Not mean or demean. Demesnes. My territory.

  Breanna felt even more stupid than before. “I apologize.”

  “I am her mouse,” Terian continued. “Com Passion loves people, but can’t move her body, so I do what needs to be done. In real life I am like this.” She shimmered, and became a real brown mouse. It squeaked.

  “Eeeek!” Breanna screamed, stepping back.

  The woman reappeared. “Precisely. So Com Passion enhances me to resemble your form. Normally folk come here to ask some favor of my mistress, for which they must pay an equitable price. Therefore we inquire what favor you desire, and what you are prepared to do in return.”

  “I—I—” Breanna hauled herself somewhat together and tried again. “I’m on my way to see the Good Magician, who can maybe tell me how to stop the zombies from chasing me. When they were about to catch me, I ducked in here. Unless you have some way to get rid of them, I don’t think I have a favor to ask of you.”

  “My mistress can give you a charm to make you invisible to zombies. But it lasts only a few hours, so is a temporary expedient. Probably it would suffice to get you to the Good Magician’s castle.”

  “That’s great!” Breanna exclaimed. “Yes, I would like that!” Then she remembered the other part of it. “But I don’t know how I can pay for it.”

  Terian considered. “A love spring flows through my mistress’ cave. Therefore she is very affectionate, and craves company. I have become overly familiar to her, and my intellect is not great, so she wishes for more. She is lonely and bored. Have you any relief for that?”

  “But I can’t stay forever and talk to a screen!” Breanna protested.

  “In my mistress’ experience, most human beings have areas of expertise or knowledge that can be diverting. Is there anything you might teach Com Passion that would make her less bored or lonely?”

  “Not unless she likes playing cards,” Breanna said, laughing ruefully.

  “Cards?”

  A notion coalesced. Cards could be really useful for boredom. So maybe that wasn’t such a far out idea. “Suppose I taught her some card games? Ones she could play by herself, like solitaire?”

  “Can you demonstrate such a game?”

  “Sure.” Then she reconsidered. “Except I don’t have a deck of cards. They don’t play cards in Xanth. It’s a Mundane game.”

  “Describe them.”

  “Well, there are fifty two of them in a pack, in four suits: Spades, Hearts, Diamonds, and Clubs. Each suit has thirteen cards, going from Ace—that’s one—to King. On the backs there is some design or picture.”

  As she spoke, the image of the cards appeared. Breanna tried to take one, but her hand passed through it: it was illusion. So she asked Terian to lay them down on a table which obligingly appeared. Terian was able to handle the cards as if they were real, because Terian herself was mostly illusion in this form. Probably Com Passion could make her solid, but illusion was more energy efficient. Soon they had a pack of cards on the table, with a picture of Com Passion on the back, and the suit designs on the front: shovels, little beating hearts, scintillating diamond gems, and cudgels. Mare Imbri evidently served as the model for the queens, and a faun Breanna didn’t recognize stood for the kings, while the jacks had black faces and looked like Breanna. They were ready to play.

  “I know only three solitaire games,” Breanna said. “But they’re pretty good. First there’s Klondike. Deal out seven cards in a row, with only the first one face up.” Terian did so. “Then six more, starting with the second row, only the first face up. And so on, until there are seven face-up cards. Now you try to find aces and set them above, and build on them by suit right up to the king. You can build down from any card in the tableau, like putting that red four on that black five.” Breanna continued her instructions, and found that Com Passion was a very quick study; nothing needed to be repeated.

  “Now you just keep playing, until it stalls out,” Breanna concluded. “Which it usually does, after a while. It’s hard to win unless you cheat.”

  “Cheat?”

  “Break the rules.”

  “But how can it be a game with no rules?”

  Breanna realized that the machine was wired to be honest, and didn’t understand dishonesty. “It can’t be,” she said. “So go ahead and play.”

  There was a pause. “My mistress is not an original thinker,” Terian said after a moment. It seemed that she had direct communication with the machine. “And I lack the intellect on my own. You will have to direct the play.”

  “But it’s easy to play,” Breanna said. “Just not easy to win.”

  “Perhaps if you direct a game through to victory, my mistress will then have a sufficient sense of the whole so as to be able to play variations herself.”

  “Well, I’ll try, but it will probably take several games.”

  “Shall we say that when you have played a game through to completion, your service is completed?” Terian inquired. “Then I will give you the spell, and you may proceed on your way.”

  “Okay.” It seemed a fair bargain.

  So they played several games, with Breanna directing them. But every one blocked up before victory. She wished she had chosen an easier game to win.

  Finally she broached the matter. “Suppose I teach you another card game, one that’s more winnable? Would that be all right?”

  “That would be satisfactory,” Terian agreed.

  “Okay. Here’s one I learned off my computer in Mundania.” She paused, realizing that Com Passion was a computer. So this should be good. “It’s called Free Cell. It’s a little like Klondike, and a little different. Deal out eight rows of cards, face up, and keep dealing more, overlapping them until they are all there. You want to build up on the four aces, same as in Klondike, and you can build down with alternating colors too. You have four free cells where you can park cards.” She continued, and Terian laid out the cards and played according to directions. “Every game is supposed to be winnable, if you play right, but it’s usually too complicated for me. But maybe you, with your logical mind—”

  “We must see a game played through to victory first,” Terian reminded her.

  So Breanna tried, but game after game blocked up. She knew she was making misplays, but couldn’t help it. In fact, as time wore on, she was getting worse. She wanted to quit—except for the zombies outside.

  “Suppose I teach you another game?” she suggested desperately. The night was passing, and she was getting nowhere swiftly.

  “That would be satisfactory,” Terian agreed, exactly as she had before. Breanna could see that it really was true that this computer and mouse set lacked originality.

  So she proceeded to her third and last game. “This one’s called Accordion. It’s pretty simple to play, but almost impossible to win.” She quailed inwardly as she said it. But since she was messing up on the theoretically winnable game, maybe she would luck out and win this one. It wasn’t much of a hope, but what else was there? “It’s called that because it tends to expand and contract, like an accordion.” She paused. “Do you know what an accordion is?”

  “No,” Terian said.

  “It’s a musical instrument that you pump like a bellows. Do you know what a bellows is?”

  “Yes.”

  Breanna was learning caution. “What is your definition?”

  “A person who shouts loudly.”

  Just so. “There is another type of bellows: a device that pumps air by flexing in and out. It’s used in Mundania.”

  Terian nodded. “Secondary definition noted.”

  “And the accordion has a keyboard on o
ne side, and harmony notes on the other side, and—well, it doesn’t matter. Deal out the cards face up, a row of about six, face up.”

  “About six?” Terian asked. “Surely it must be exactly six.”

  “Not according to fuzzy logic. Uh, do you know—”

  “There is a colony of warm fuzzies nearby. They are not known for their logical abilities.”

  Breanna decided to avoid further analogies. “Never mind. What I mean is that you can deal out four five, six, seven, eight, or any number; it doesn’t have to be six. That’s just for convenience.”

  “A span of four to eight cards when inconvenient,” Terian said, getting it straight.

  Breanna let that pass. “Now you play by matching up the cards by suit or number, the first or third from the right.” Terian looked blank, so she moved right on into a demonstration. “Deal the cards; I’ll show you.”

  Terian dealt six cards: The Queen of Hearts, Two of Diamonds, Nine of Clubs, Six of Clubs, Ten of Spades, and Ace of Spades.

  Q♥ 2♦ 9♣ 6♣ 10♠ A♠

  “Now see, you can put the six of clubs on the nine of clubs, because the suits match and the nine is right next on the left,” Breanna said. She paused. When nothing happened she said, “Put the six on the nine.” She kept forgetting how literally these folk took things. “And put the Ace on the ten. Now you have four piles and four suits; you can’t do any more. So now deal out another card on the right.”

  The next card was the Two of Hearts.

  Q♥ 2♦ 6♣ A♠ 2♥

  “Now this is nice, because you can close it up some more. Put the Two of Hearts on the Two of Diamonds, because the numbers match and the diamond is the third card to the left; remember, you can match either the first or third.”

  “I remember,” Terian said. She moved the card.

  “Now you can match the two hearts, because they are next to each other. Do it. Move the whole pile; the buried cards no longer count.”

  Terian did it.

  2♥ 6♣ A♠

  “So you see, we have boiled seven piles of cards down to three. Now deal out some more cards.”

  “How many cards?”

  Breanna tried not to roll her eyes. “Three more.”

  Terian dealt out the Four of Diamonds, Jack of Spades, and Eight of Diamonds.

  “See, now the accordion is expanding again. We don’t do anything. Deal a couple more.”

  Terian dealt the Three of Hearts and Seven of Diamonds.

  2♥ 6♣ A♠ 4♦ J♠ 8♦ 3♥ 7♦

  “See, still nothing. I hate it when they alternate like that. Sometimes I wind up with half the deck spread out. Anyway, the object is to finish with all the cards in a single pile. Two piles is a very good score, three or four piles is still credible, and beyond that is pretty much of a washout.” She grimaced. “I wash out a lot.”

  They played the game on through, and sure enough, finished with nine piles of cards. They played again, and finished with five piles. A third game was fifteen piles.

  Breanna was about ready to tear her hair, but refrained, because it was really nice hair. “Look, I can’t seem to win a game for love nor money, and I need to get on my way. Is there any other way I can get that zombie-no-see spell?”

  “You are offering love or money?” Terian inquired.

  Oops. “Not literally. It’s zombie love I’m trying to escape, and money isn’t much use in Xanth. I mean, is there any other deal I can make with you, since this one isn’t working out?”

  There was the barest pause. “We are intrigued by these games. Find another person to play them in your stead, one who can play one through to victory. At that point we will give you the spell.”

  “But how can I find anyone else, when I can’t even go out of this cave for fear of the zombies?”

  “We will lend you the spell for that purpose.”

  That was so logical that Breanna knew she would never have thought of it. “Okay. But how can you be sure I won’t just bug out?”

  “Do what to what?”

  Oops again. It did sound as if she meant to pull an insect from its hole. “How do you know I won’t run off to the Good Magician’s castle the moment I have that spell, instead of finding you another player?”

  “You will do what you agreed to do.”

  She realized that a machine had little concept of dishonesty. “Okay. I’ll go find somebody. Seems fair to me.”

  Terian lifted her hand, and in it appeared a marble-sized globe. She gave it to Breanna. But as Breanna took it, it faded out. Had she somehow broken it?

  “The spell is now part of you, and will carry through the night,” Terian explained. “If you are unable to find a suitable player by dawn, return here and we will provide another spell for the next night.”

  Breanna hoped she could do it much faster than that. “Okay. I’ll see you soon, one way or another.”

  She walked out of the cave. Almost immediately she saw the zombies milling about. Maybe they knew she was in the cave, and were waiting to nab her when she emerged.

  She nerved herself and walked down the path toward the zombies. If they gave even the slightest, teeniest, weeniest sign of seeing her, she would bolt back into the cave as fast as her fine black legs would carry her.

  But the zombies gave no sign of being aware of her. They seemed to be patrolling, shuffling back and forth, dropping putrid bits of themselves behind. Yuck!

  She timed her route to pass between the two of them while they were both walking away from the intersection of paths. She got through, and was on her way beyond without their noticing.

  Then she reconsidered. How did she know the spell was working? She might have slipped through on her own merit. She had better make sure.

  She nerved herself again, and turned back. Now the two zombies were approaching each other on their route. She could see the route, because it was marked by blobs of decayed flesh. They were definitely on guard duty.

  She walked toward them. “Hey, you rotters!” she called.

  There was no response. The zombies shuffled past each other and walked on out toward the ends of their routes. So she went to the center and stood there, waiting for their return. She was terrified, but she made herself stand there. She had to know.

  They turned and shuffled back. Their faces were blank masks of disgusting decomposition. It was a marvel they could see anything, with those putrefied orbs.

  “Hey, foulface!” she called to one. “Can you see me?”

  The zombie ignored her. He continued to shuffle toward her. She realized that they would collide if she didn’t get out of the way. So she moved clear, just in time, and the zombies passed behind her.

  “Have you sheen anyshing, Seymour Bones?” one inquired of the other.

  “Noshing, Rick R. Mortis,” the other replied.

  Satisfied, Breanna proceeded on her way. Now whom could she find who liked to play cards? There might be a small problem, because no one in Xanth knew about cards. But surely many folk were bored, and this was a good treatment for boredom.

  Another problem was the fact that it was night, which was her prime time but was sleep time for others. But there should be a few folk active.

  Sure enough, soon she spied the light of a lamp, and by the lamp a young man was putting handfuls of dirt into a bag. “Hello,” she said by way of introduction.

  “That is a pointless interjection,” he replied, not looking up.

  “What is?” she asked, vaguely nettled by his attitude.

  “Your stupid salutation.”

  Breanna had never been a person to accept rudeness unchallenged. “Who says it’s stupid?”

  “I do. I am Smart Alec. I always know a detail others don’t think of.” He paused reflectively. “I can’t think why I’m unpopular.”

  “Gee, it sure beats me,” she retorted sourly. “What are you doing?”

  “I’m collecting magic dust, as any idiot can plainly see.”

  “That looks just like o
rdinary dirt to me. Did you get some in your mouth, to make you talk dirty?”

  “I’m not talking dirty, I am merely making statements about the incapacities of others who evidently don’t realize how dull they are.”

  Breanna had had just about enough of this. She was ready to blast him with some real information on dullness, but remembered her mission. Maybe he would like to play cards. So she stifled her justified retort and tried to soften him up for the kill, as it were. “Thank you for explaining about the magic dust. But how is it you know that this particular dirt is magic, and what do you want it for?”

  “All dirt in Xanth is magic,” he said in superior fashion. “It is what carries the magic. It emanates from the center of Xanth, and slowly spreads out, and the magic diminishes as the dust thins. This is near the center of Xanth, so should be pretty strong. I’m going to take it to Mundania, where it should enable magic to be operative.”

  “That’s a great idea!” she said, putting more enthusiasm into it than she felt. She had lived years in Mundania, and doubted that anything could budge its dreariness. “How would you like to play a great new game?”

  Now at last Alec glanced at her, appraisingly. She wasn’t entirely easy with the places his gaze landed. “Very well. Take off your clothes.”

  What a jerk! “Not that kind of a game. I’m only fifteen.”

  “Oh. Then you wouldn’t know about that sort of thing.”

  Actually she did know, but preferred not to tell him that. “This is a card game. It—”

  “Forget it. I’m not interested.” He focused on his dust.

  Irritated anew, Breanna walked on. If this was the kind of reaction she was likely to encounter, her quest was more difficult than she had believed.

  Then she thought of a way to get something useful from this jerk. She turned back. “I’ll bet you don’t know who would want to play a card game.”

  “Com Pewter,” he said, and ignored her.

  Com Pewter. She had heard of him. He was a machine like Com Passion, who resided in a cave and could change his local reality. What better partner could she possibly find? Smart Alec had known the answer, and had done her a huge if inadvertent favor.